Divorce in the over-45s is on the rise - but does it bring happiness or loneliness?By her own admission, Judy Hollis's behaviour was thoughtlessly promiscuous. 'For a year,' she says, 'I fooled around, sleeping with more than ten men.
'I didn't always use protection - caught without any, in the heat of the moment, I threw caution to the wind. Then I discovered I had chlamydia.'
You'd be forgiven for assuming that Judy is an irresponsible 20- something, heedless of the consequences of her actions. In fact, she's 51 and the educated, successful director of a blue-chip company - with a 21-year-old daughter.
Her story is an illustration in microcosm of why sexually transmitted diseases among the over-45s are on the increase.
Health Protection Agency figures show a 60per cent increase in cases of chlamydia in 2008 in this age group, compared to 2004. The popularity of online dating and surprising lack of sexual knowledge in older adults are contributory factors.
But it's primarily down to the significant increase in people getting divorced after the age of 45 - forcing flocks of inexperienced divorcees out into the dating world after decades of monogamy.
Between 1997 and 2007, divorce in England and Wales in the 45-plus age group rose by more than 30 per cent. And these soaring figures are set to surge still further in the decade ahead, as women, in particular, feel less inclined to put up with flagging relationships.
Sadly, marriages are keeling over like ninepins. In my own social circle, I've witnessed at least a dozen marriage breakdowns in the past two years - including the demise of my own relationship after 25 years.
In two instances among my acquaintances, the men, both in their early 60s, have departed to a much younger woman beckoning from a warm bed.
Mostly, though, it's been the women who have instigated the separation and there has been no other person involved.
And it's a pattern that's being repeated all over the country: 68 per cent of divorces are now initiated by wives.
Greater economic independence and the fact that 50 no longer spells the end of the road for women are just two of the reasons for the ever- spirallingdivorce rate among older couples.
For better or for worse, we are the first generation of women to turn traditional ideas of middle age on their head.
Madonna, 50, had an affair with toyboy model Jesus Luz, 22, after her split from Guy RitchieWe're back in the work force, if indeed we ever left it when our children were young, with more money and a knowledge that we can take care of ourselves financially.
If a woman's financial position is no longer a barrier to her moving on from an unhappy marriage, neither does age seem to hold us back from trying our luck romantically second or perhaps third time around.
We look better - and feel younger - than ever before. Whether it's with the help of a nip and tuck or Botox, or less drastically a sensible diet and exercise regime, we can still turn heads after 50.
And if the menopause proves tricky to navigate, there's always HRT to help us through
Party girl: Jo Wood has enjoyed two flings since the humilation of Rolling Stone ex-husband Ronnie's affair with Ekaterina Ivanova'I certainly hadn't ever expected to be single again at the age of 47,' says Judy. 'Paul and I had been together since we were 18. He was my first love and I never imagined a time when we wouldn't be together.'
Judy felt her world had collapsed and spent most of her time in tears. And then, three months on, she did something completely unexpected and out of character: she started sleeping with other men.
Like many newly divorced women I've spoken to, it wasn't that she'd developed a voracious appetite for dating, but that in doing so she found an effective distraction from the pain of divorce.
She explains: 'I'd never even slept with anyone other than my husband, and suddenly I found myself using sex with men to make me feel better about myself.'
Judy joined a couple of internet dating sites and found it surprisingly easy to meet men in their 40s and 50s who wanted no-strings flings. But it's not necessarily what most women are after.
For me, in my 50s, the idea of taking my clothes off in front of a man who wasn't my husband was absolutely terrifying. Having sex with a relative stranger, so easy when I was in my 20s, felt barely possible.
Although the idea of a passionate affair filled my fantasies, my sexual confidence was at rock bottom. But unlike Judy, I refused to rush it.
After a few disastrous dates with men who were introduced by friends, I met a man I liked. It was three months before we became intimate.
After the massive build-up of nerves and anticipation, I was surprised at how simple and natural it all was - I had forgotten that sex is about how we connect, not whether we have perfect bodies.
Judy Hollis agrees that taking those first few steps is very daunting. She says: 'Thankfully, I'd kept myself in good shape and I'm still a size 12, but the idea of whipping off my smalls in front of a near-stranger was pretty terrifying.
'The first man I slept with was a 50-year-old lecturer. We met online and within a week we'd met under the guise of going for drinks - alcohol gave us both confidence and we ended up back at my house.
'He didn't stay the night, but he did send an email the following day thanking me for a "fun evening". There was no suggestion of seeing one another again.
'I thought I was fine with what had happened, but a few days later all I could think about was that I'd slept with someone other than my husband. It felt dirty somehow.'
During the coming weeks and months, Judy flirted with other men by email and one man from work. Entirely out of character, she went on to have several one-night stands and a series of relationships in which she was not necessarily monogamous.
It all caught up with her when her daughter admitted she found her mother's behaviour embarrassing. Humiliated, Judy finally decided to take responsibility for her behaviour and went for a medical check-up, which is when she discovered she had chlamydia.
'I felt disgusted with myself,' she says. 'Thankfully, antibiotics cured the disease, but I vowed to abandon casual sex completely, and stop seeing any men while I sorted myself out.'
A year down the line, Judy is tiptoeing back into the dating scene, but much more selectively. And she has promised herself never to have sex without protection unless her putative partner agrees to an STI test first.
Like Judy, a lot of us turn to the internet to find dates and there are certainly a burgeoning number aimed at our generation. UKmature dating.com, datingbegins@forty. co.uk, seniordatinggroup.co.uk, 40plusdatinggroup.co.uk are just a few that have sprung up as a result of the mid-life divorce surge.
One woman who has embraced them is Linda Johnson, 50, a mother of five who enthusiastically threw herself into the dating market after her 25-year marriage came to an end.
'Over the past four years I've had a great time,' she says bluntly. 'I must have met or dated around 50 men and, to be honest, I've enjoyed some of the most fun times of my life.
'That's not to say I have slept with lots of men. I can honestly say I've always felt confident about my body - but even then, I was surprised to receive so many compliments from men.
'I thought meeting men might be difficult at my age, but in fact I find I am approached by all types of men of varying ages.
'I see internet dating as rather like being in a supermarket. You might pick up one product and think it looks good, but put it back to see if another product might be better.
'The trouble is there are so many married men on there looking for an affair - you have to watch out for the tell-tale signs: when they say they can travel to you, it often means you can't go to them because they're living with someone.'
Marriage therapist Andrew G. Marshall thinks internet dating should be avoided altogether. 'Never go to a dating site,' he warns.
'It's a deeply cruel environment in which to meet people. Not only is it addictive, it makes people feel miserable about themselves.
'It's like a singles bar that never closes. You make very poor emotional connections online and it's easy for women to feel over the hill and rejected because the men who use these sites will always be tempted by the possibility of someone more gorgeous round the corner.'
My own friends have used internet dating with varying success. One of them, Shelley, a PA and mother of two, has just turned 60. She separated from her husband 12 years ago, and it's been eight years since she last slept with a man.
'The truth is I'm not that bothered about sex any more - probably through lack of practice - and my experience of dating hasn't given me a lot of faith,' she says.
'I'm signed up on a couple of websites, and in the past year I've met three guys, all of whose behaviour I've found totally bemusing. The first date professed to love red wine, boats and music.
'When we met and I ordered white, not red, wine, he just got up and left, saying that we didn't have anything in common.
'Then there was the man who held my hand all evening and wouldn't let go - he didn't last - and the one who professed to having had a lovely evening yet didn't contact me again.'
They are the kind of stories I've heard countless times about internet dating, both from friends and divorced women I've interviewed.
But it's not just the internet which is fraught with problems. It seems many women hope that life after divorce will be a celebration of liberation and sexual and emotional renewal.
But the reality is that looking for a new relationship in your middle years can be fraught with difficulty.
Fifty-nine-year-old divorcee Sue Hughes doesn't mince her words. 'Dating in your 50s is hell,' she says simply.
Although she is now happy with her new partner, whom she met after putting an advert on a newspaper dating page, her postdivorce dating experiences were almost enough to put her off men altogether.
She divorced ten years ago, after she and her husband drifted apart and he moved out. 'There are some seriously weird men out there,' she says.
'I met most of them through friends - in fact, the only man I have met through a dating website is now my partner.
'Some are far too eager, far too soon. I dated one man who bombarded me with gifts, even though I hardly knew him.
Another flew me to expensive hotels around the world, but was the ultimate cold fish and could not cope if I was anything less than perfect, as if I was some kind of trophy. One night I was ill, and he seemed utterly repulsed.
'There is a danger you can go a bit wild at first after divorce, because you have all this freedom. But I also had my children, and my first responsibility is to them.
'Thank goodness, I now have a wonderful partner who is a true companion. Long-term companionship is the most important thing at my age.'
It seems this initial propensity to 'go wild' after divorce is primarily motivated by fear of being alone and the misguided belief that new men will repair your battered self-esteem.
As one recently divorced friend said to me about her on- off relationship with a man who is unreliable and emotionally unavailable:
'I only allow it to go on because when we're in bed together I can forget about the fact that I'm single and in my 50s and might never have a proper, loving relationship again.'
But this doesn't have to remain the case. Often, it is only after the novelty of post- divorce dating has worn off that women start seriously to reappraise and rebuild their lives.
But how do divorcees fare in the longer term? Are they more likely to end up alone and lonely than in a new love match that will endure for the rest of their lives?
On Monday I will examine this thorny question.
Linda Kelsey's new novel The Twenty Year Itch (Hodder, £6.99) can be ordered from Amazon.
source: dailymail
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